Sunday, September 14, 2008
Butterfly Effect
Last night, I chanced upon an old friend with whom I haven't talked to for a couple years. He was online and he didn't seem busy, it being a Sunday night. Before I sent him an instant message, I remembered that he had a blog from way back when we first got to know each other. That was four years ago. I actually think that I might have influenced him to start blogging.
It was four years ago and I was about to come back to the Philippines from my one-year study in Japan. This was the time when social networking sites started popping out from nowhere and I suddenly had a dozen of accounts with different networking sites. In one of those sites, this old friend sent me a wink. I winked back. He then sent me a message introducing himself. And I gave him my name as well. That's how it started.
We would be chatting online every night and we started sharing pictures. I even called him once and we talked for around 15 minutes, which is quite expensive given that it's an international call. I got to know him more and more and I developed a liking for him. He's an artist, he studies at the other university in the area where my university was, and he was funny. I must admit, at that point, I was starting to fall for him.
"Hey"
"Hey Boyd"
"Hey Andrew"
"What's up"
I told him how it's been a long time since we last talked. I also told him that I was digging through his old blog and found the two poems.
There were two poems that I know he wrote about me.
When I returned to the Philippines, I got in touch with him and set up a meeting. And so we did. At a cafe right across his university, we met for the first time in person. The spark was undeniable. I felt it the first time I saw him.
We talked on the phone. A lot. Those were the times when landlines were still en vogue. Now, no one barely uses landlines anymore, huh.
The next time that we met, he visited me at school and met some of my friends. We walked off to the lagoon and at dusk, under the light of the lamps, we kissed. I held his hands all night because I know that after that I would have to let go. Forever.
Andrew had a boyfriend back then when we met. And I'm not the type who would wreck relationships for my own happiness. I don't want to feed off the misery of others. And I want to believe in forever. And commitment. And contentment. And I don't want some other guy doing that thing to me in my future relationships. So I told Andrew to forget about me and I told him that I'll let him go.
It's difficult to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's because your principles and your conscience dictate you to. It's more difficult when the person you're sacrificing it for doesn't seem to cooperate with the plan. It's simple. Forget about me and be happy with your boyfriend. Later on, I just had to cut everything and come back only when I know that I'm no longer a threat.
I was partly happy because I know I saved a relationship.
But it's funny because after all our reminisces Andrew tells me, "By the way, wala na pala kami. One year na."
And the butterfly effect of my decision dawned on me. Did I just prolong their relationship. Or did I end it. Would it have been okay if I fought for my feelings because they would break up eventually anyway? I didn't try exhausting all the possibilities because thinking of the what-ifs is just depressing.
But maybe not as depressing as what I feel right now when I find myself in the same shoes that he was in four years ago...
