Craving Something Beautiful

It's time to give a proper closure to this blog, four years after I last posted an entry in it, and two years after Jake and I broke up. Yes, it's been quite a long time since we called it quits but I'm glad that I didn't write about it soon after we did. In hindsight, those were beautiful times. Jake and I are still friends and I'm still there for him whenever he needs me. But I've been seeing someone new for a year now. And this time, I won't be blogging about us. Haha. Thanks for everyone who followed this blog. I leave you with this song from Richard Cortez, Craving Something Beautiful, which I guess is a fitting closing song for this chapter of my life. The cover photo of this blog, by the way, is from Richard Cortez's album of the same name. And he's the one with the guitar.


I guess this is it,
Boyd

Barcino: Fave Wine Bar, Bar None

If you're tired of the usual bar beer-bump-and-grind scene or the annoyingly snotty vodka tonic groupies (watch out, that's just cossack!), try visiting Barcino for a change.

Gay people are known to be pioneers in a lot of things. I'm sure when Columbus wagered that he can sail to the other side of India from Europe, his motivation did not only include God, gold and glory. He also imagined G-strings. Men in G-strings. That's why when you're a yummy mestizo guy (The owner of Barcino is Spanish mestizo) opening up a relatively new concept, expect the gay guys to be in line outside your door on Day One.

Barcino, a Spanish wine bar, has been there for quite a while when we first visited it. It's located on the second floor or the City Golf Arcade, Julia Vargas Avenue, Pasig City. As you noticed, we love this place. This is the same place where you can grab a shawarma at Uncle Moe's or New York pizza at Brooklyn's or Halo-Halo at Razon's.

The ambiance is fit for an out-of-the-way bar. It looks like an air-conditioned, glamorized cellar. No, it actually IS one. There's a smoking and a non-smoking side with around five table setups each, each setup sitting two to ten people, depending on the configuration. Jake and I had our pre-anniversary drinks here. We shared a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and boy were we smashed!

They serve Spanish dishes, from appetizers to main courses to desserts. The desserts are not to die for, so don't bother, except maybe if you're ordering dessert wine. The tapas are a bit pricey for the serving size but they taste great.

They have a good selection of Spanish wines and a sprinkling of old world and new world wines, but let's just say that Spanish wines are the main thing. Spain's not exactly well know for their wines but that doesn't mean they can't make good ones! The important thing is that you get really really smashed! After all, that's the objective of drinking and we achieved that in Barcino.

I forgot how we got home - I think we took a cab back - but I'm sure we didn't have sex that night! We didn't even have time to undress!

Exciting Things Coming in October

Hey guys!

Jake and I have a couple of things to look forward to at the end of the month:

1) We're going to Cebu: We're taking a long overdue out-of-town trip together. Since we didn't do anything special on our second anniversary (We had buffet lunch at Seven Corners, Crowne Plaza), I figured we'd need to go all out this time. Well, not all out. We're going to Cebu! We'll be there for nine days! This is our first trip together where we have to take a plane, I'm partly excited about that idea. But I still think that the trip itself should be the highlight! If you're going to Cebu or you're from Cebu, tell us! Let's grab a couple of drinks, or join us for a week sunbathing :)

2) We'll be featured in an online gay advocacy magazine: Yep, that's right! We've sent in our responses to the interview questions and the editor is pressuring me to send in our pictures. So yes, I guess you'll finally see our faces, if ever you read the magazine. To be fair to us, I'm not gonna mention the name of the magazine! But you can guess!!!

Take care guys!

Boyd

Love Conquers All, Even Sarah Palin

Jake and I had a heated YM exchange tonight.

He read the Butterfly Effect entry and he said he felt sad about it. He was actually quite upset, I was so scared.

Jake, baby, I'm sorry if my entry upset you. I was about to update this blog when we made up but I didn't have the time. Actually, I was too happy to even bother! But I'm really sorry if I made you sad. As I've told you over and over and over again, I really, really, really love you and I'm here for keeps, forever, for as long as I make you happy :) I love you!


I think it's only fair that I explain what I meant with the last few words of my entry:

And the butterfly effect of my decision dawned on me. Did I just prolong their relationship. Or did I end it. Would it have been okay if I fought for my feelings because they would break up eventually anyway? I didn't try exhausting all the possibilities because thinking of the what-ifs is just depressing.

Jakey, it doesn't mean that I'd rather be with Andrew, I was just rambling on with the what-ifs. This is more in the league of a what-if-I-were-straight what-if than the what-if-I-didn't-eat-that-BIG-FAT-quarter-pounder kind of what-if. It's like I'm just wondering what would've happened even if I know that in my current state of mind I know that I'm not gonna like the outcome anyway. Do I make sense?

Anyway, the bottom line is, after all that we've been through lately, I still choose and want to be with you and I am humbled and honored and flattered that despite my shortcomings, you still took me back.

In hindsight, I'm happy we had that argument because we proved what our friends said right, over and again. I really am proud that we can handle things in such a mature way (even if you're such a drama princess who's too hard to convince!).

And next time you want to have an Indian dinner, you only have to ask. :p

---
New Bombay is now open at the fifth level of The Podium, Ortigas Center, Mandaluyong City.

A Double Dozen Treat And Hoo, The Halloween Owl Bear

Tuesday night was the worst.

He was still not talking to me, not texting me and not showing up on YM. I cried like a baby for hours until the dawn broke. I actually proved that you can drown in tears. When crying, sit up, or lie on your side.

I trudged through Wednesday.

Everybody felt it. I was a walking raincloud. I dampen the mood of people around me. And everybody was asking, what's wrong. I didn't want to talk to people because I don't want them to judge me, or Jake or us as a couple. I only told a few friends whom I know would understand and would not judge. I didn't even tell my roomie who was a close friend from college and a colleague from work. People can be so judgmental. It's as if they're the ones who are in the relationship. I hate it especially if it comes from people who have never been in any semblance of a relationship. What do they know? I thought I'd rather shut up.

Thursday night was not better.

I went home, excited, expecting an extra pair of shoes at the threshold. But when the shoes weren't there, I said maybe he brought it to the room and I checked the bed. It was empty. I even checked the bathroom. No one was there. My best friend was there, though. I didn't even notice. He and my roomie were pretending to be asleep when I came. Maybe there's a surprise. I checked the closet. It was empty. Then I felt really sad...

Friday.

He said it was a week. So today has got to be it. I counted seven days and today was the seventh and if he's not coming to get me, I'll come and get him. Despite coming home late this morning, I managed to wake up with enough time to prepare for this. I went to Krispy Kreme and bought two dozens of doughnuts and made sure that I got the assorted varieties that he loved. The night before, I spotted a Bearista bear at Starbucks Emerald and crossed my fingers that they had some, too at Robinson's. Heaven was smiling at me because there was still one left when I came in. The barista faked a tearful farewell to the bear and asked who the bear is for. And I said, "My Baby".

With donuts in one hand and a bear owl in another, I took a cab from the mall to his school and called his friend to make sure that he was there. I was lucky that he went off to run some errands for a while when I got there. Made the element of surprise more surprising.

Fifteen minutes later, he arrived. I was inside the café, he was outside. I went out and sneaked at him and said, Hi. And he said hi back, looking half-scared and half-surprised. And hugged me really tightly and cried.

That, my dear friends, was a moment to die for. I felt all the pains, regrets and guilt just drop to the ground with his one sweeping display of emotions. In that tight embrace, I felt his love, forgiveness, reassurance and happiness. I was too cool to cry. So I wore shades. Hehe. Cheating. I know.

We spent the early afternoon together until I had to leave for work and he had to go to his next class. But at least I know, sans the trappings of spoken words, that all was forgiven. But not forgotten; because if we forget, we wouldn't learn. I wouldn't learn.

I learned it the hard way and I'm just happy that I saw it as the way it is. It was a test. And the choice was not between Jake and Dean but between commitment and falling short of it.

A friend from university days "divined" that my fate would be "full of long-term relationships but no lifetime commitments." For a long time, I was living against that and felt that I needed to prove him wrong. But my recent experience proves that fate, even destiny, can only take you so far. But when you reach that point, it's ultimately your choice and you make your own life.

I've told Jake that happiness in a relationship is not about being better off. It's about commitment and contentment. Because if everybody wants to be better off, then nobody will be happy. For others, happiness in a relationship is a state of mind. For me happiness is a choice. And I choose to be happy.

p.s. Jake attempted to call the Bearista Owl Bear, Dean, in honor of the man of the hour. I think I laughed to that. Jake took it back and said he'd call the Owl Bear Hoo instead. But I really found it hilarious, babe. :p

A Catch-22 Of Sorts

I don't know if I should write about this but here it goes...

I met Dean through Jake.

Dean was an interesting fella. Jake would describe him as cute. I would, too.

But Dean was the guy I dreaded to meet the most. Dreaded, not because he's a bad person or he has bad intentions (this point is debatable - but I tend to look at other people through rose-colored glasses). I dread his because he's the kind of guy who's going to test everything that I believed in and preached of about love, relationships and commitment.

It was also the darkest and most depressing two weeks of my life.

Let's just say that it all started when Jake and I decided that we wanted to "play". There comes a point in your relationship when you want to be experimental in the naughtier aspects of your relationship. We've been "playful" during the earlier part of our relationship, so we thought, been there, done that, what's there to lose? We didn't expect the outcome.

You'd think that Dean was a treat. He nicely packaged and you'd figure that he'll make a great playmate. So, we decided to invite him and he was willing. At the end of the night, we got intimate with him.

He's mostly a rag doll in bed. Really lousy. It really went on and on and on and I just lost my momentum. So we just finished it for the sake of finishing.

But something was bugging me after that. He was looking at me in a certain way. And he was more touchy-feely than required. And then he told me that I was cute. That's when the butterflies came. In my stomach that is.

We all had to leave after that. Jake had lessons, I had to go home and Dean had to go elsewhere. But I can't seem to leave that scene. I couldn't take my mind off it.

I called my best friend and told him about what I felt. He asked me: did he say anything to you? And I was like: Yes, he told me I was cute. And then he laughed. He said it was all too familiar. I asked what he meant and he explained that he knows, from our years of friendship, that I easily fall for people who like me and then I drop them like a hot potato. And I protested that I'm not like that said that I felt confused. He told me just to give myself time to think and feel the whole thing through.

I can't quantify the amount of guilt that I felt at that moment. I was asking, why am I feeling this? Truth be told, guilty but happy, and guilty that I'm happy. I thought that if I love Jake, I shouldn't feel this. And I love Jake. But I'm feeling this. So do I really love Jake? Because if I feel this, then I don't love him.

Jake has also been busy the whole week after that, with performance after performance and exam after exam. And I don't know if I should tell him or not. Because I believe that if there are issues in your relationship, the first person who should know about it is your partner because he's the only other person who's been in the relationship long enough to understand its dynamics. I learned that the hard when I talked to a friend about a decision that Jake and I both made as a couple and I heard comments that I think was uncalled for. After that, I made sure that I only talk to Jake about things that concern us and keep it between us two. There really isn't much, but it helps to have that thinking in place. I also refrained from giving unsolicited advice to my committed friends. If solicited, I give a disclaimer that it's ultimately their decision.

On a Thursday, I asked Jake to (please) sleepover because I really miss him and I need an assurance of my feelings for him. I was relieved when he alighted from the taxi. Butterflies. Yep, I really love him. But suddenly, I don't know how to act around him. I'm a really bad liar and I can't hide my true feelings. But Jake didn't say anything about it the whole night.

He left for school early the next morning and texted as soon as his first class finished. I just woke up. He asked how I was and I said I was okay, getting ready for the gym. I asked him how he was in reply. Disturbed, he said. because he felt that I was a bit distant the night before. And then and there I poured my heart out. Guilt eats into me in such a way that I'd spill the first chance I get. And I knew that this was going to be one of the most dreaded moments of my life.

I wanted to be honest with Jake because I don't want to hurt him. But in my being honest with Jake, I will hurt him in the process. But not being honest with him would eventually hurt him anyway. So there really is no way around not hurting him by lying or being honest. This is one of the moments when you can only wish that would exercise your best judgment. I went with my gut feel and told him everything.

Remember Dean? I felt something for him.

I still remember the exchange by heart (and kept it on my phone for a while). I don't want to publish it in detail but I can say that it was very civil, very mature. But by the end of the conversation, I was emotionally drained. It was the first time that I cried really hard in a very long time. There it was: my Catch-22. I asked for it and I got what I asked for. I was burnt by the guilt of what I said and the guilt of hurting Jake with the sole intention of not hurting him in a worse way.

I dragged myself to the office and later that day, Jake popped in online and said that he's giving me a week to go out with this guy and see if it's just a fleeting feeling and he assured me that he will only be a phone call away.

I think, more than anything, this cemented my resolve that yes, Jake is the one that I really love and he doesn't deserve this. But I also wanted to be fair to Dean and give it a proper closure. Dean also said that I should never leave Jake for him.

Dean and I did manage to go out once. That's when I found out that he's not as smart as I'd want a guy on a date to be. And add the fact the he was a rag doll in bed. By then, I knew that I was just felt something fleeting for him. My best friend doesn't even call it infatuation.

"Gratitude," he told me. "You're paying him a debt of gratitude because he called you pretty. At sobra kang tumanaw ng utang na loob."

Reality struck really sooner and now I felt sorry that I dragged someone else into my sick concept of gratitude, hurting the one I love along the way. I tried contacting Jake. I called him, he didn't answer; I texted him, he didn't reply. Finally, I caught him online and I asked him why he wouldn't talk to me.

He told me, "Babe, the one week was not only for you. It was for me, too. Besides, I don't know what to say or what to think." With that, I held my end of the bargain to be fair. It was the longest, and saddest week in my life.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Boyd.

The Heart Of The Matter