Exciting Things Coming in October

Hey guys!

Jake and I have a couple of things to look forward to at the end of the month:

1) We're going to Cebu: We're taking a long overdue out-of-town trip together. Since we didn't do anything special on our second anniversary (We had buffet lunch at Seven Corners, Crowne Plaza), I figured we'd need to go all out this time. Well, not all out. We're going to Cebu! We'll be there for nine days! This is our first trip together where we have to take a plane, I'm partly excited about that idea. But I still think that the trip itself should be the highlight! If you're going to Cebu or you're from Cebu, tell us! Let's grab a couple of drinks, or join us for a week sunbathing :)

2) We'll be featured in an online gay advocacy magazine: Yep, that's right! We've sent in our responses to the interview questions and the editor is pressuring me to send in our pictures. So yes, I guess you'll finally see our faces, if ever you read the magazine. To be fair to us, I'm not gonna mention the name of the magazine! But you can guess!!!

Take care guys!

Boyd

Love Conquers All, Even Sarah Palin

Jake and I had a heated YM exchange tonight.

He read the Butterfly Effect entry and he said he felt sad about it. He was actually quite upset, I was so scared.

Jake, baby, I'm sorry if my entry upset you. I was about to update this blog when we made up but I didn't have the time. Actually, I was too happy to even bother! But I'm really sorry if I made you sad. As I've told you over and over and over again, I really, really, really love you and I'm here for keeps, forever, for as long as I make you happy :) I love you!


I think it's only fair that I explain what I meant with the last few words of my entry:

And the butterfly effect of my decision dawned on me. Did I just prolong their relationship. Or did I end it. Would it have been okay if I fought for my feelings because they would break up eventually anyway? I didn't try exhausting all the possibilities because thinking of the what-ifs is just depressing.

Jakey, it doesn't mean that I'd rather be with Andrew, I was just rambling on with the what-ifs. This is more in the league of a what-if-I-were-straight what-if than the what-if-I-didn't-eat-that-BIG-FAT-quarter-pounder kind of what-if. It's like I'm just wondering what would've happened even if I know that in my current state of mind I know that I'm not gonna like the outcome anyway. Do I make sense?

Anyway, the bottom line is, after all that we've been through lately, I still choose and want to be with you and I am humbled and honored and flattered that despite my shortcomings, you still took me back.

In hindsight, I'm happy we had that argument because we proved what our friends said right, over and again. I really am proud that we can handle things in such a mature way (even if you're such a drama princess who's too hard to convince!).

And next time you want to have an Indian dinner, you only have to ask. :p

---
New Bombay is now open at the fifth level of The Podium, Ortigas Center, Mandaluyong City.

A Double Dozen Treat And Hoo, The Halloween Owl Bear

Tuesday night was the worst.

He was still not talking to me, not texting me and not showing up on YM. I cried like a baby for hours until the dawn broke. I actually proved that you can drown in tears. When crying, sit up, or lie on your side.

I trudged through Wednesday.

Everybody felt it. I was a walking raincloud. I dampen the mood of people around me. And everybody was asking, what's wrong. I didn't want to talk to people because I don't want them to judge me, or Jake or us as a couple. I only told a few friends whom I know would understand and would not judge. I didn't even tell my roomie who was a close friend from college and a colleague from work. People can be so judgmental. It's as if they're the ones who are in the relationship. I hate it especially if it comes from people who have never been in any semblance of a relationship. What do they know? I thought I'd rather shut up.

Thursday night was not better.

I went home, excited, expecting an extra pair of shoes at the threshold. But when the shoes weren't there, I said maybe he brought it to the room and I checked the bed. It was empty. I even checked the bathroom. No one was there. My best friend was there, though. I didn't even notice. He and my roomie were pretending to be asleep when I came. Maybe there's a surprise. I checked the closet. It was empty. Then I felt really sad...

Friday.

He said it was a week. So today has got to be it. I counted seven days and today was the seventh and if he's not coming to get me, I'll come and get him. Despite coming home late this morning, I managed to wake up with enough time to prepare for this. I went to Krispy Kreme and bought two dozens of doughnuts and made sure that I got the assorted varieties that he loved. The night before, I spotted a Bearista bear at Starbucks Emerald and crossed my fingers that they had some, too at Robinson's. Heaven was smiling at me because there was still one left when I came in. The barista faked a tearful farewell to the bear and asked who the bear is for. And I said, "My Baby".

With donuts in one hand and a bear owl in another, I took a cab from the mall to his school and called his friend to make sure that he was there. I was lucky that he went off to run some errands for a while when I got there. Made the element of surprise more surprising.

Fifteen minutes later, he arrived. I was inside the café, he was outside. I went out and sneaked at him and said, Hi. And he said hi back, looking half-scared and half-surprised. And hugged me really tightly and cried.

That, my dear friends, was a moment to die for. I felt all the pains, regrets and guilt just drop to the ground with his one sweeping display of emotions. In that tight embrace, I felt his love, forgiveness, reassurance and happiness. I was too cool to cry. So I wore shades. Hehe. Cheating. I know.

We spent the early afternoon together until I had to leave for work and he had to go to his next class. But at least I know, sans the trappings of spoken words, that all was forgiven. But not forgotten; because if we forget, we wouldn't learn. I wouldn't learn.

I learned it the hard way and I'm just happy that I saw it as the way it is. It was a test. And the choice was not between Jake and Dean but between commitment and falling short of it.

A friend from university days "divined" that my fate would be "full of long-term relationships but no lifetime commitments." For a long time, I was living against that and felt that I needed to prove him wrong. But my recent experience proves that fate, even destiny, can only take you so far. But when you reach that point, it's ultimately your choice and you make your own life.

I've told Jake that happiness in a relationship is not about being better off. It's about commitment and contentment. Because if everybody wants to be better off, then nobody will be happy. For others, happiness in a relationship is a state of mind. For me happiness is a choice. And I choose to be happy.

p.s. Jake attempted to call the Bearista Owl Bear, Dean, in honor of the man of the hour. I think I laughed to that. Jake took it back and said he'd call the Owl Bear Hoo instead. But I really found it hilarious, babe. :p

A Catch-22 Of Sorts

I don't know if I should write about this but here it goes...

I met Dean through Jake.

Dean was an interesting fella. Jake would describe him as cute. I would, too.

But Dean was the guy I dreaded to meet the most. Dreaded, not because he's a bad person or he has bad intentions (this point is debatable - but I tend to look at other people through rose-colored glasses). I dread his because he's the kind of guy who's going to test everything that I believed in and preached of about love, relationships and commitment.

It was also the darkest and most depressing two weeks of my life.

Let's just say that it all started when Jake and I decided that we wanted to "play". There comes a point in your relationship when you want to be experimental in the naughtier aspects of your relationship. We've been "playful" during the earlier part of our relationship, so we thought, been there, done that, what's there to lose? We didn't expect the outcome.

You'd think that Dean was a treat. He nicely packaged and you'd figure that he'll make a great playmate. So, we decided to invite him and he was willing. At the end of the night, we got intimate with him.

He's mostly a rag doll in bed. Really lousy. It really went on and on and on and I just lost my momentum. So we just finished it for the sake of finishing.

But something was bugging me after that. He was looking at me in a certain way. And he was more touchy-feely than required. And then he told me that I was cute. That's when the butterflies came. In my stomach that is.

We all had to leave after that. Jake had lessons, I had to go home and Dean had to go elsewhere. But I can't seem to leave that scene. I couldn't take my mind off it.

I called my best friend and told him about what I felt. He asked me: did he say anything to you? And I was like: Yes, he told me I was cute. And then he laughed. He said it was all too familiar. I asked what he meant and he explained that he knows, from our years of friendship, that I easily fall for people who like me and then I drop them like a hot potato. And I protested that I'm not like that said that I felt confused. He told me just to give myself time to think and feel the whole thing through.

I can't quantify the amount of guilt that I felt at that moment. I was asking, why am I feeling this? Truth be told, guilty but happy, and guilty that I'm happy. I thought that if I love Jake, I shouldn't feel this. And I love Jake. But I'm feeling this. So do I really love Jake? Because if I feel this, then I don't love him.

Jake has also been busy the whole week after that, with performance after performance and exam after exam. And I don't know if I should tell him or not. Because I believe that if there are issues in your relationship, the first person who should know about it is your partner because he's the only other person who's been in the relationship long enough to understand its dynamics. I learned that the hard when I talked to a friend about a decision that Jake and I both made as a couple and I heard comments that I think was uncalled for. After that, I made sure that I only talk to Jake about things that concern us and keep it between us two. There really isn't much, but it helps to have that thinking in place. I also refrained from giving unsolicited advice to my committed friends. If solicited, I give a disclaimer that it's ultimately their decision.

On a Thursday, I asked Jake to (please) sleepover because I really miss him and I need an assurance of my feelings for him. I was relieved when he alighted from the taxi. Butterflies. Yep, I really love him. But suddenly, I don't know how to act around him. I'm a really bad liar and I can't hide my true feelings. But Jake didn't say anything about it the whole night.

He left for school early the next morning and texted as soon as his first class finished. I just woke up. He asked how I was and I said I was okay, getting ready for the gym. I asked him how he was in reply. Disturbed, he said. because he felt that I was a bit distant the night before. And then and there I poured my heart out. Guilt eats into me in such a way that I'd spill the first chance I get. And I knew that this was going to be one of the most dreaded moments of my life.

I wanted to be honest with Jake because I don't want to hurt him. But in my being honest with Jake, I will hurt him in the process. But not being honest with him would eventually hurt him anyway. So there really is no way around not hurting him by lying or being honest. This is one of the moments when you can only wish that would exercise your best judgment. I went with my gut feel and told him everything.

Remember Dean? I felt something for him.

I still remember the exchange by heart (and kept it on my phone for a while). I don't want to publish it in detail but I can say that it was very civil, very mature. But by the end of the conversation, I was emotionally drained. It was the first time that I cried really hard in a very long time. There it was: my Catch-22. I asked for it and I got what I asked for. I was burnt by the guilt of what I said and the guilt of hurting Jake with the sole intention of not hurting him in a worse way.

I dragged myself to the office and later that day, Jake popped in online and said that he's giving me a week to go out with this guy and see if it's just a fleeting feeling and he assured me that he will only be a phone call away.

I think, more than anything, this cemented my resolve that yes, Jake is the one that I really love and he doesn't deserve this. But I also wanted to be fair to Dean and give it a proper closure. Dean also said that I should never leave Jake for him.

Dean and I did manage to go out once. That's when I found out that he's not as smart as I'd want a guy on a date to be. And add the fact the he was a rag doll in bed. By then, I knew that I was just felt something fleeting for him. My best friend doesn't even call it infatuation.

"Gratitude," he told me. "You're paying him a debt of gratitude because he called you pretty. At sobra kang tumanaw ng utang na loob."

Reality struck really sooner and now I felt sorry that I dragged someone else into my sick concept of gratitude, hurting the one I love along the way. I tried contacting Jake. I called him, he didn't answer; I texted him, he didn't reply. Finally, I caught him online and I asked him why he wouldn't talk to me.

He told me, "Babe, the one week was not only for you. It was for me, too. Besides, I don't know what to say or what to think." With that, I held my end of the bargain to be fair. It was the longest, and saddest week in my life.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Boyd.

Butterfly Effect

Last night, I chanced upon an old friend with whom I haven't talked to for a couple years. He was online and he didn't seem busy, it being a Sunday night. Before I sent him an instant message, I remembered that he had a blog from way back when we first got to know each other. That was four years ago. I actually think that I might have influenced him to start blogging.

It was four years ago and I was about to come back to the Philippines from my one-year study in Japan. This was the time when social networking sites started popping out from nowhere and I suddenly had a dozen of accounts with different networking sites. In one of those sites, this old friend sent me a wink. I winked back. He then sent me a message introducing himself. And I gave him my name as well. That's how it started.

We would be chatting online every night and we started sharing pictures. I even called him once and we talked for around 15 minutes, which is quite expensive given that it's an international call. I got to know him more and more and I developed a liking for him. He's an artist, he studies at the other university in the area where my university was, and he was funny. I must admit, at that point, I was starting to fall for him.

"Hey"

"Hey Boyd"

"Hey Andrew"

"What's up"

I told him how it's been a long time since we last talked. I also told him that I was digging through his old blog and found the two poems.

There were two poems that I know he wrote about me.

When I returned to the Philippines, I got in touch with him and set up a meeting. And so we did. At a cafe right across his university, we met for the first time in person. The spark was undeniable. I felt it the first time I saw him.

We talked on the phone. A lot. Those were the times when landlines were still en vogue. Now, no one barely uses landlines anymore, huh.

The next time that we met, he visited me at school and met some of my friends. We walked off to the lagoon and at dusk, under the light of the lamps, we kissed. I held his hands all night because I know that after that I would have to let go. Forever.

Andrew had a boyfriend back then when we met. And I'm not the type who would wreck relationships for my own happiness. I don't want to feed off the misery of others. And I want to believe in forever. And commitment. And contentment. And I don't want some other guy doing that thing to me in my future relationships. So I told Andrew to forget about me and I told him that I'll let him go.

It's difficult to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's because your principles and your conscience dictate you to. It's more difficult when the person you're sacrificing it for doesn't seem to cooperate with the plan. It's simple. Forget about me and be happy with your boyfriend. Later on, I just had to cut everything and come back only when I know that I'm no longer a threat.

I was partly happy because I know I saved a relationship.

But it's funny because after all our reminisces Andrew tells me, "By the way, wala na pala kami. One year na."

And the butterfly effect of my decision dawned on me. Did I just prolong their relationship. Or did I end it. Would it have been okay if I fought for my feelings because they would break up eventually anyway? I didn't try exhausting all the possibilities because thinking of the what-ifs is just depressing.

But maybe not as depressing as what I feel right now when I find myself in the same shoes that he was in four years ago...

Long Distance Relationships Work (Part 2)

Previously: Frankie and Jai battle it out against all odds as they stand firm on their decision to maintain a long-distance relationship. Will they be able to keep things from deteriorating or will the culture clash, the language barrier, the different time zone and the sheer geographical distance bring this relationship to a bitter end?

We'll never know how KK and Arthur really met because KK has a thing about not telling the story according to how it actually happened because he wants to preserve a certain self-image. He's not really trying to put up appearances but he's just conscious about the way people perceive him. In this case, he doesn't want us, his friends, to think that he's a slut. Maybe he's not or maybe he is. But the factoids that we know about the circumstances of the meet-up were far and few in-between. KK met Arthur in Bed Bar in Malate two weeks before he's told anyone that he met some guy. Who introduced himself to whom would tell us who is slutting around town. Bed is not exactly the gay destination of choice for a good majority of my gay friends... okay, an overwhelming majority of them... as the quality deteriorates - venue and people - as you move away from Makati. KK's "new friends" happen to hang out in Malate all the time. The reason why it took KK two weeks to tell us that he's in such a state with a semblance of "dating someone" is partly because 1) he has "new friends" who are more like recycled friends, and 2) he knows of our aversion for gay Malate.

Let's be clear. I am not dissing KK. He just happens to be the resident underdog in the clique and the tag has grown into him. I'm actually humbled by the fact that of all our gay friends, he feels comfortable confiding in me and seeking my advice.

So again, who was spotted slutting around gay Manila. We'll never know until KK spills all the beans. The slutting around turned out to be a good thing. At first it was high time for paranoia, confusion, miscommunication, misunderstanding and a lot of great expectations and wrong first impression. Which are all normal for a person who just came out of a comfortable/complacent three-year relationship meeting a new guy whom you like in a way you're unsure about and who seems to like you for the wrong reasons. Or so you thought.

Arthur, in a nutshell, is a chap who photographs well. Like his cousin. I've written about them earlier in this blog. According to KK's voluntary disclosures, Arthur made him crave for sex again. A state he's never been in for the last months of his previous relationship. It was a slow gradual process that eventually became a daily routine up to a point where they'd do nothing but each other for an entire day. Even work sometimes gets brushed aside because "it's getting in the way".

In the beginning of things, KK's complaint was that despite his sex appeal, Arthur is shallow and they'd talk about nothing. As in nothing. I was about to foredoom the relationship, or whatever it was back then, but KK made certain pronouncements about the setup. That it was just for the sex. That he just wanted to get back into the game. That he was still enjoying the company. And that he doesn't want to be tied down again in another relationship. The biggest thing that is holding KK back is that in less than a year's time, KK is flying to Europe for his Master's degree. He doesn't want to invest in something that he's gonna stop eventually.

The first dilemma was what the status of their relationship was. "KK," I told him over coffee, "you've barely spent a month with the guy and you wanna label the relationship?" He said that it was not him but Arthur asking. "What do you think are you?" I asked.

"Friends...?"
"Friends?"
"Yeah. Friends. Fucking Friends."

Which is the root word of Friends with Benefits.

He doesn't want to be attached to someone at the moment. That's the least he needs for now. And he's afraid that Arthur is becoming clingy. I told him to be fair and leave the guy or at least be honest about what he really thinks about the relationship and what he needs from it. But KK thinks that he can have the cake AND eat it, too. I told him that it's only a matter of time before the cake realizes that he's being eaten up alive.

KK is the biggest flipflop of all time and the next week he was saying that he now can't imagine himself without Arthur and that he was afraid that Arthur has lost interest in him and that he has changed towards him. Talk about paranoia. He also felt that Arthur was "cheating" on him.

"You're oversteppin' it, bitch," I told him on a text message. "How can he 'cheat' on you when you're not together and you don't want to be too attached to him?"

"I think I'm falling for him."

"Damn straight, and if you keep on it, you'll have enough emotional baggage for a two-year hiatus in Sorbonne."

Two weeks later, he finds out that the rumors were just that. Filthy rumors spread by one of his so-called "new friends" who apparently was also into Arthur and was jealous that KK ended up with Arthur instead of him. He then asked me if he should tell him how he really feels and if he should tell him that he's leaving within the year.

That decision was not for him to make. A few days later. Arthur pronounced his sentiments love of admitted that he knew that he was leaving for France. The absent-minded KK was unaware that he leaves his YM conversation with me open for his ex-boytoy-and-soon-to-be-boyfriend to see.

There were waterworks which was understandable but could be over-the-top to some. But they've decided to carry on with what they have and cross the bridge when they get there. Hopefully they would not be burning bridges instead.

The situation is complicated by differing religious beliefs and cultural upbringings. KK comes from a straight-as-an-arrow Catholic family but he turned out to be an atheist until he found his God among the Methodists. Arthur, believe it or not, is a Maranao Muslim royalty (which is pretty much titular and meaningless exceppt for the number of hectares you own), as in the princess of Sulu kind of royalty. He's actually married but decided to leave for Manila. Now that he's finished with his studies, the family pressures him to come back and settle down. With a girl. We all know Arthur digs dicks exclusively so there's no way this is happening.

There's also no way to run away from family duty without being disowned. After KK's Europe sojourn, Arthur plans to run away with him to the halal Big Apple: Dubai. If he can run away at all.

I've told KK that his relationship is a walking textbook case that can be used in fourteen different fields of study and I've asked him how he felt about it. "It might be interesting but I wished it were a bit more normal. But I'm happy just the same."

And I think, in the end, beyond distances and differences, that - happiness - is all that matters.

Long Distance Relationship Works (Part 1)

Repeat: Long Distance Relationship Works.

I'm still undecided on this issue. Jake believes that long distance relationships work. He actually phrased it in a mumbled question (while his lips are pressed on mine) "Why, don't you think long-distance relationships work?" You might not remember it babe but I do because I remember how I did not answer it because, as I've said I'm still undecided on the issue.

This is a long overdue post prompted by two close friends of mine that are in or about to embark on a long distance relationship. First, do I have to put a dash in between "long" and "distance"? I think so. The fact that this is overdue owes to the same reason, which is my indecision on the topic at hand.

It's also interesting because the same issue gives way to another, even more complex set-up of cross-cultural relationship. Not just interracial but cross-cultural. I digress: interracial sounds like animals cavorting with another species. I'll stick to the term cross-cultural as it sounds more academic.

Frankie, yes, Frank Ulrich Cudal von Krefeld, the scion of German ex-nobility, left Manila last month to go back to his native Germany, leaving behind another dear friend Jai. In an interesting twist of events, Jai sent me an SMS about how he was worried about Frankie. I was surprised by that statement. First because I thought I knew Frankie better as his friend. And second because I didn't expect such a reaction from Jai. You see, Jai and Frankie met through me. Jai saw Frankie's pic online through my Multiply and oh-so sweetly asked if I could intervene in their fateful meeting. What was a good friend like me to do but introduce and introduce I did.

Jai's, well, "history" with boys is more colorful than the Pantone palette to say the least. And Frankie is still, well, confused on whether he digs boys exclusively or boys and girls equally. I was not sure about what the outcome will be when the two inevitably meet in oh-so romantic Manila a few months after their online meeting.

Well they hit it off quite well. Quite is an understatement.

The time came last month when Frankie had to go back to Germany to get ready for Uni in September. He spent the last few months of his stay in Manila away from our set of friends and more with Jai, which is of course understandable. I wasn't there at the airport so I don't know what happened at the exact moment when he officially left.

Fast-forward a few days later and I receive the text from Jai. He was concerned about how Frankie was handling all this while they're apart. They're committed to staying together despite the distance and have been making future plans together. In fact, Frankie will spend the three months leading to Uni openings in the Philippines just to be with Jai. He'll be back by June.

Jai, who is a few years older, just quit his work to focus on graduate school. Frankie is just entering University. And I think, at his age, he doesn't know what he wants to be yet.

I really thought that Jai would fare worse in this setup than Frankie. With our upbringing, we Filipinos tend to be more emotional about things like this. And I was thinking that with his age, Jai would be more inclined to actually hold on to this relationship than Frankie, who, with his age, seems to be wanting to try things out. That was what was going on in my head. But the reality seemed reversed.

Three months of course, is not a long time to wait. But what about in the long-term? Can this work? Can two people, of two different upbringings with oceans between them, with different life priorities, make this work?

Up next: A walking case study. KK and Arthur bring more drama into their already-steaming stew of clashing cultures and personas. And they say that they're a couple.

Summer with Boyd and Jake

I'm back from a vacation in Banaue and Sagada with my family and Jake spent three weeks of his vacation going around Ilocos, Pangasinan and Baguio with his family. His mom is in town from the States.

The only way I can imagine Jake and I spending our summers apart is when we spend it with each other's families. My main concern about Jake before is that he lived by himself. That's great, from the naughty point of view, but from the practical side, it's dangerous.

Flashback to the time when Jake had fever which didn't go away for two nights. I suspected that it was dengue fever so we had his blood checked. It was negative. That night he still had fever and I had to take a leave from work to attend to him. And then when we had a blood test again the next day, his platelet count dropped. I needed to send him off to Baguio so that someone can look over him. I was restless thinking what if he can't stand up when he gets there. Thankfully his fever just went away as if he hadn't been sick at all after a few days.

Now it's a good thing that his cousin Kat and his brother as staying with him. At least we'll never get locked out again like the last time when Jake lost his keys! We had to get a room in a nearby motel and had his window grills sawn off. And it was 20 feet above ground! I had to miss my high school classmates' wedding ceremony at the church.

So many things are happening this summer. The best of them is Jake's having boundless energy for sex! Dear me, the last one was the best one I've had ever! I don't wanna go into details but he can be an animal when he's in bed sometimes. Hahaha.

Anyway, that's my summer so far. How's yours?

When Jake is away, Boyd feels...

Alone by Heart featuring Carrie Underwood.

It's 80's revival baby. Hay, yes. I guess that's how I feel. Huhuhu.

Lazy Day At The Office/Waking Up On The Wrong Side Of The Bed

Lazy day at the office

I don't hate Tuesdays.

I just had to say that because I was about to start my entry with that word vomit: "hate".

I'm just reeeeally lazy today for no apparent reason. We all have our days, good or bad, I guess.

Waking up at the wrong side of the bed

No, this is not another Waking up with... entry with J.P. Calderon (don't get me wrong, I still lurve the man). I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday. I think it's because Jake woke up on the wrong side of the bed as well, as his text announced when I woke up. I don't really think that there's a cosmic link between our moods. Maybe, his aura traveled through the signalwaves and hit me. Jake can be pretty powerful when it comes to his moods. IT REALLY GETS ME DOWN. It's like the human eyes. They're sympathetic, you know. Like when dirt gets into one, you close both. And you can't look at opposite directions.

I went to the gym and my shoulder hurts when I lift weights. I was supposed to do chest and biceps but I couldn't do proper chest workouts. So I just did a low-impact chest incline machine. I get frustrated when I can't workout properly. I'm starting to get more and more conscious about how I look. I think I'm fat but Jake says I'm alright. That's coming from someone who has 3% body fat. I used to be around that... 4%-5%. I had abs and muscular legs because I ran and bike. I was bottom heavy before. At least I have some serious nigger ass. Ha Ha Ha! I got conscious when Jake admitted that he checks me out with his girl friend. My boyfriend! Checking me out with his GIRL friend. That's kinda sexy but kinda off, too.

I'm really afraid to get a tummy!!! So I'm doing everything to keep it off. Hey... This gives me an idea.

Moving along. Jake is also out of town with Mommy dearest. They haven't seen each other in a couple of years since Mom practices and medicine in the States. I love Jake's mom! Because she gave birth to such a beautiful lad!!! He's my surprise first birthday gift. Hehe. You know why? Jake's was born on the day before my first birthday. But since that's the States and we're one day ahead of them, it was already my first birthday here in Manila on the day he was born! Cool eh?

We were actually kind of creeped out - butterflies in the stomach and goosebumps all over and all - when we found out about this little factoid. I think it makes us feel more connected spiritually, as being both Pisceans, we both are kinda into that spiritual and cosmic stuff.

Where was I? Yeah, he's back in the boondocks, bonding with Mom and his siblings. And I can only be happy for him. I'm always worried about Jake because he has no one to go home, too. It's also a blessing that Cousin Kat moved in. I feel relieved because someone's helping him out at home. He has no family in the city. But he has me. :)

Also, my friend's reaction to something I told him was looming in the sidelines. And it still bugs me. But now I'm okay.

And since I'm able to vent it out, I think I'm going back to work now.

Be Careful Whom You Share Your Thoughts With

It was more of my fault. I was over-sharing. There are things about my relationships with Jake that I should have kept myself. Also, there are opinions that you should have kept to yourself as well. So that makes the two of us equally guilty. And then, there's also a rule that you shouldn't kick a man when he's already down. Or don't rub more salt into a wound you helped to create. So that tips the balance towards my advantage.

You don't know half of my relationship with Jake and you're telling me that it's almost the end for us based on the choices that the two of us made. Either you're really the self-proclaimed pessimist that you are, or you're just beyond this generation, or your idea of a relationship is pegged on a certain stereotype that can no longer be changed to your disadvantage.

Jake and I worked hard on this relationship to get to where we are now. I'm not really affected by what you said or your opinion of it, nor by your snide remarks. I'm just annoyed by the fact that you can just judge a relationship without even knowing a fourth of how it happened and talk as if you're the authority on relationships when you were too proud to even try to make your last relationship work.

I'm just thinking that maybe, you're projecting your mentality to me. This is what you think would happen - or maybe this was what actually happened - to your relationships.

When people are brave enough to make tough choices to make each other happy, you shouldn't strike it down just because it doesn't conform to your beliefs. OK, granted that I shouldn't just had said anything. But you might as well had shut up.

I need no apologies and I doubt if you even would offer some. At least I learned a lesson: be careful whom you share your thoughts with. Especially on your relationships. They might not understand. It's not their fault. The best person to talk to first about your relationship is your partner. Because he's the only one who knows everything about it other than you and he give his thoughts on it as it is. Not based on an imagined existence or parallel personalities. The problem with most failed relationships is that they talk to others first about their problems before they talk to their partners. And you get this whole notion of a problem being there when it's not really much of anything. People love to play problem solvers so they create or aggravate problems. Making mountains out of molehills. The more pessimistic ones want to be ones to tell you that they told you so. And sadly, some of us want to create problems or feel the need to create problems just to be the center of attention. Talk to your partners first! It might not be a problem at all.

After that incident, I talked to Jake about it. And we talked about our supposed "issues" which, after some discussion (and much flirting over the phone) turn out to be non-issues. Our biggest issue as it turns out is knowing what other people think about our relationships. It kinda sucks but they're not the ones who are in this relationship. It's me and Jake. So they might be entitled to their own opinions but in the end, the only opinion that matters and counts is mine and Jake's.

Life's been wonderful with Jake. As he said himself, he's willing to milk this for all it's worth, the good and the bad. So let's enjoy this, Jake.

Enfants Terribles

A faghag of the olden days, on the way to the baptism of a recent godchild, asked me if I ever wanted children.

My own child - nice thought - I've never really thought about it deeply and intimately; maybe in passing, but not seriously.

I've kidded that maybe for tax purposes I could adopt children. With the amount of money that the BIR is getting from me, I can put four kids through grade school and still have enough money left to go on a weekend trip to Hong Kong. Or maybe I could have kids to get even with my friends who seem to be having fun getting married and making us godparents of the kids they made and letting us organize bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, baptisms and first birthdays, all in the name of friendship. I've told them not to get married and have babies every year because we homosexuals are in the losing end. We can't married (legally) and have babies (naturally, by accident, planned, or otherwise).

I don't really have any emotional reasons to have my own child. I think for many people - and I'm not saying all - their reasons for having children is partly emotional, and in a way selfish. They want a child to carry their name, they want a child that they can call their own, a child that came from their own flesh and blood, who bears a striking resemblance to them, and who will be obliged - by law, morals, social expectations, human compassion and debt of gratitude - to take care of them when they grow old. But as for me, I really don't have any pressing reasons to have a child. If I do, maybe I'll do an Angelina Jolie and adopt a Cambodian orphan. I don't want to bring another child in this world to let him experience or witness human suffering as it happens. We have far too many poor and sick children to add to the burden on the human race. I'm not saying that having your own child is morally wrong. I guess I just brought it upon myself that it is my responsibility to keep the population increase in check.

I posit the theory that homosexuals are an evolutionary tool to keep the human population in check. My girl friends (of the single sort) have asked me at least one hundred times how homosexuals multiply when they don't bear children, and if homosexuality is genetic, then we would have died out because the homosexual gene rarely gets passed on to the next generation (i hate to think this would make you doubt about your parents' orientation). I guess it's a case of nature AND nurture. Maybe the homosexual gene is a later-stage mutation caused by the food we eat or the season when we were conceived. And with most societies starting to be more tolerant of homosexuals, maybe it's actually a repressed norm. There might be more or us than you think there actually is.

I digress. When we reached church 45 minutes later, and 45 minutes late for the baptismal rites, I realized that I, along with my friends, are of marrying and parenting age. Two of my friends have children, three are either married or engaged. I have Jake. I somehow feel the need to be scared that I'm losing out my friends to the family way. But that last sentence was more than reassuring. Yes. I have Jake.

KKatfight

KK and I had a YM conversation last week. He started by saying that he'll show me something and that I shouldn't tell anyone else about it.

He showed me on his webcam a swollen left cheek all gauzed up. He took off the bandages and voila, a gaping wound and some bruising under his left eye.

"OMG, how did this happen?"

Last Saturday, KK and Arthur (a.k.a KK's new guy) went to Subic to attend a private party at the invitation of Arthur's friends.

It turns out that Arthur's ex was also there. KK claims that this ex absolutely has no breeding and his claim to fame is having attended high school in the United States. This guy was also flirting with Arthur in KK's presence. The infuriated KK says:

"Get away from my boyfriend you fucking faggot.

As you would imagine, a catfight ensued.

I can't help but laugh about this, despite KK's battlewounds. It's not exactly a worthy cause. Since it's Arthur's friend's party, most of the people there would know Arthur's ex and would bet on him. And they didn't do only that, they even helped ganging up on KK and Arthur. The couple's companions were more of the femme types who were either just cheering them on or trying (as far as their poise would let them) to break up the fight.

They ended up on the beach, wet, sandy, bruised and bloodied.

It's honestly my first time to hear a first-person account of a brawl between gay guys over ex's. I can't help but imagine that "Mean Girls" cafeteria scene. In this case, it was a testosterone-powered catfight.

Long Distance Relationships

I passed by the Manila Gay Guy blog two weeks ago and chanced upon an entry and a podcast about a long distance relationship with a twist. I didn't manage to finish the podcasts because they were bandwidth-heavy. But it inspired me to think about that fundamental question: Do long-distance relationships work?

Take my friend KK. He doesn't think that it would work. He's leaving for Europe within the year and he's not willing to risk it with his new guy, Alfie. One of our friends who also left to study in Europe broke up with her boyfriend while she was there because she found someone else.

KK thinks that the temptation to cheat is too powerful to resist.

Honestly, I personally don't know what I feel about. I mean, sure I would want it to work but hopefully I wouldn't have to be faced with the choice of leaving Jake behind for my own happiness. Between Jake and I, I don't think that either of us would hold us back from growing personally even if it means leaving for elsewhere or being apart from each other. I can actually imagine it. My career would most likely take me to London and his passion would take him to New York. A trans-Atlantic romance looms around the corner and hopefully by then it would still be brewing.

I think it's not a question of whether it works or not. Either it's a question of wanting it to work or being meant for each other. Not all long distance relationship work because not all people in such a relationship want it to work or not all of them are meant to be. Still, there's a sliver of hope for many others who think that they are meant to be, and want their relationship to work. It's like passing judgment on a gay relationship. Many people, if not most, say that gay relationships don't work just because they are gay. So we can't really say that long-distance relationships don't work just because of the distance.

By the end of the year, KK will be leaving for Europe with an excess baggage. I just don't know if it will be: guilt, for leaving without letting his man know from the onset; remorse, for emotionally investing in a foredoomed relationship, or hope, that maybe this time, for the two of them, it would be different.

It's all good

Bati na kami.

After a dramatic night that listed a walk-out and silent treatment among its more conspicuous details, all ended well thanks to Mrs. Lovett's meatpie last night.

I kept thinking about it the whole afternoon yesterday. It's so petty. Yet I can't help but be hurt and go through a self-pity period. I've been thinking how much I've sacrificed for this relationship and I thought that I didn't deserve any of this shit. But I realized afterwards how selfish I was to think that way because this relationship wouldn't survive without him sacrificing.

I've always lived by the rule of not sleeping on an argument and not holding back on the truth because letting a night pass without talking through a problem would only make you dwell on it more. The problem was, Jake was already sleeping while the "argument" was in progress. But I resolved to be completely honest to him about it the next day.

I got the usual explanation: mood swing. And I've also resigned to the fact that he is one moody guy and I just have to live with it. But the magic about it is that even though I'm also moody, we're never moody at the same time. Usually, he'll catch me in a bad mood and he'll cheer me up and then he'll get tired of cheering me up and then he ends up moody and then I feel guilty about being such a grump and I'll cheer him out of his moodiness. And then everyone's happy!

I was getting worried because things like this have happened too often recently but decided not to draw inferences from it and conclude a trend. Because trending is leading and it will only make my aura worse. So, I conclude that we only had a bad few weeks and things are looking rosier.

We skipped our first year and fifth month anniversary dinner at Edsa Shangri-La and saved it for a later date when we're both in a great mood. We just saw Sweeney Todd at Shangri-La Plaza. What a great way of ending a "fight". With demon barbers and meatpies.

Sadness Factor

I'm sad.

Just got home from a night out with Jake and some of my friends. I dunno what happened but he didn't say goodnight when I brought him to his bedroom. He didn't kiss me nor did he say anything. He just slept. I'm just thinking that he must have been really tired from all the classes that he took today. And maybe he got kinda stressed with how much we spent today. And maybe he didn't enjoy because we were just with my friends. I really don't know. But I don't feel well. I'm really sad.

Rediscovering Malate... Again

This is an email that I sent to gay friends about going back to Malate and the time when Jake and I were just getting to know each other. One year and five months ago :)

For the past few months, I've tried to stay away as much as I can from Malate. i.e. the Orosa-Nakpil area. It was especially difficult when I broke up with my ex just two months ago in June. I was tempted to go out there and explore but there was this little boy in me who said that no, you won't enjoy it. "It's not worth it."

This reservation from going to Malate does not come unwarranted. I think it may come from the fear of the bitchboys of Malate and to a certain extent, a degree of self-depreciation and lack of self-confidence. In my day life, I'm brimming with self-confidence, knowing fully well that I am equipped with things that are necessary for the daily grind: enough money in my pocket, enough brain cells to keep my mind working, enough friends to keep me company, a stable enough job to keep me busy. But night life has other requirements that I feel I lack: a colorful wardrobe that screams I'm gay and loving it (mine is strictly tailored to suit the corporate world), a hot body to show off (I look like a stick beside those gymbuffs), and a gang of pink power friends shouting that there is strength in numbers! (I go with my bestfriend who would go flirt all over the dance floor in a way only he can.) And as I walk my way inside Bed, I can't help but feel that people are judging me and think that I do not belong. And when I'm finally inside. It feels like everyone knew everybody and I start to feel that I really don't belong.

I've had my share of fun nights at Bed. I was almost there every weekend when I was on my third year in college. I've hooked up with guys, got fished, danced with strangers, went down drunk, danced on the ledge and blew my week's allowance on cocktails and bottles of beer until my throat went sore from drinking, smoking and shouting (not singing) along with the music while pounding on the wooden ledges filled with guys taking their shirts off gyrating to the latest music dished out by Toy Armada while being photographed by Doc Tony. It's been crazy. It's been mad. It's been beautiful. But at a certain point the scene started to become alien to me. And so did the people. Maybe my priorities changed. Maybe my objectives changed. Maybe my point of view did. I started looking for love in the dancefloor. If I can't land a boy I wanted, I'd be depressed. But I'd still return the next weekend and look again. It became a vicious, pathetic cycle.

Finally I decided to stop and consider that I'm not getting anything good out of it anyway so I just quitted the scene altogether. Quit is actually an understatement. It was more like I vilified it and banished it into eternal damnation. Damn the scene and all the queeries involved in it. Sounds bitter, doesn't it?

So I found refuge in relationships, even if they did not last long. The scene is the last thing that I needed in the world. I have my love and that's all I ever needed. Until of course, they left me one after another. This is not about my sordid love affairs so I am not delving into the details of each one. Instead I'm talking about the one who made me see Malate in a new light.

He's not my boyfriend but we hold hands, hug each other and kiss when we feel like it. I also sleep with him, in both literal and figurative sense. I spend all my free minutes talking to him on the phone and we give a new meaning to the word txtnonstop. But when my friends or his ask if we're together, we'd hold hands, kiss, and say no, we're not. It's actually fun.

It's difficult to find words to describe us. I usually use the term special friend, and he would call me his date. We call each other babe and we agree to be date and consummate exclusively. Even sex is difficult. I don't like to call it "fuck" because we're not just fuck buddies (more like exclusive fuck buddies and constant date partners) and it's not yet "making love" so we compromised with "making like" however horribly dumb and stupidly pretentious it sounds.

He's Jake. He's from Los Angeles and he hasn't been around Manila. So I took him around to the Malate and Ermita district. Our first date was at the Manila Zoo, on the southern tip of Malate along Quirino. He wanted so much to see the gay district. So I took him to Orosa cor. Nakpil. It was a disappointment at daytime. We definitely had to visit one night.

I had second thoughts on this. Jake is uber cute and I am uber possessive. We might not survive the night without a big fight, a splash of vodka on his face, broken beer bottles and a very dramatic storming out scene fit for the next episode of The O.C. (or Bituing Walang Ningning). But I promised that we will go together since I will not let him go by himself and he wouldn't go in without me.

Last Saturday, I stepped out of the cab and my feet touched that holy ground of Orosa cor. Nakpil. I can feel the awesome energy climbing up my legs as flashes of triumphs, heartaches, friendships and enmity played up my imagination. I almost felt like kneeling down and offer a handful of lotus flowers and incense sticks. A prodigal son has become faithful again.

Not five minutes have passed when my diplomatic whore status has been re-affirmed. From behind us a white guy approached me and said hi. Never mind if I was with someone, white guys always seem to know how to get what they want. I didn't want to talk to him but being Filipino and civil, I didn't want them to think that Filipinos are not welcome and hospitable. Add to that the fact the Jake pushed me to entertain him. I was almost brimming with anger, feeling betrayed and pimped, but I had to keep a straight face. I even managed to smile.

Scott turned out to be a nice guy. He is very straight-forward. He is a flight attendant with Qantas and has a Filipino boyfriend who is working in Dubai. He treated us to pre-party drinks at O bar while Jake and I had a silent argument which we settled in the wash room. We kissed and made up (read: made out?) while i was styling his hair. How utterly gay.

Then Scott invited us to go to Bed with him. This was not part of the plan. We were just supposed to have some beer at O bar. I'm sure Jake wanted to go in as he has never been there ever. But I had this fear that he might end up dancing in the arms of someone else that night. He is a self-confessed flirt and I recognize that. But nothing of that sort happened that night. All that happened was hours and hours of pure fun.

Jake and I danced the night away with each other. It was really fun seeing him dance. He was so game. Well, no surprise in that because he is a dancer. And a singer. And an actor. A lot of guys came up to us to dance with us and not a few tried to kiss Jake, which was my cue to pull him back to me.

The most amusing encounter that night was with this gymbuff bald guy Leigh who danced with us and told us "Nakakainggit. I miss my ex. You're so sweet." We danced on the ledges and when we got tired he told us again how sweet we were and asked us if we were together and we said no, I, sitting on the ledge and Jake standing in front of me, my legs wrapped around his waist as we hug.

We made a few good friends among the people there and it was really quite a breath of fresh air having sanitized fun with PLU's. Later that morning, as we left, I got a friendly hug from Leigh, who reminded me to take care of Jake. And I promised I will. Leigh later texted Jake to take care and read his book.

I asked Jake if he had fun. He said he did and that he didn't expect that we would that long. He asked me if I had fun. This was the moment of truth. Did I have fun in Malate? Yes. I know I did.

He said he was sorry for the things that happened that night: when he pushed me to go with Scott, and when he flirted around. And I told him to let go of it. I had my most fun night in Malate ever and it was all because of him. And not to mention my best friend who tagged along with us the whole night and flirted with a record nine boys that night. He's hot.

As for me, I'd never see Malate the same way again. It's a place where I can be myself without fear of persecution or prejudice. Where the stares you get are out of respect and innocent envy, and not judgment and discrimination. Fly we now our rainbow flags.

Life with Boyd and Jake... and Kat?!

My 24/7 access to Jake apartment is finally over.

Just when I thought that this year is going to be one hell of a great year for sex for Jake and me, his cousin, Kat, finally decides to move in! This has been in discussion since last year but I just wasn't ready to be so unceremoniously written off as a house guest once Kat moved in.

The circumstances that brought this along were that Jake's apartment is not his but his grandparents' and that it happens to be nearer Kat's office.

The good thing though about this situation is that there would be a woman in the house. Meaning, someone would care about the cleanliness, order, and general welfare of the house. Jake, though concerned, is sometimes too lazy to clean up and can't afford a renovation. I'm willing to have the place torn down and redecorated if it were mine and if I live there. But Kat, the interior designer that she is, seems very keen on doing something about this... uhm, mess. And that's understating it.

Fortunately, Kat has weird work hours and weekly schedules and we'd have windows for some cuddling but I definitely cannot stay there overnight. And that's the worst news of all.

Hopefully she'll warm up to me so that finally we can tell her that I'm with Jake and when we sleep together, we don't just literally sleep... Or maybe not. Maybe we should just spare her the experience of having to thing about THAT everytime I drop by. Maybe I should just pretend that I really just sleep over there to really sleep and that's that. I wonder if she can cook a brilliant breakfast...

Anyway, I'm sure she's a streetsmart girl (the three of us went to the same university for one thing) and she already knows what's going on between me and Jake. I mean, I was there on the morning when she moved in! Good thing I had a shirt on!

And also, she's a devout Christian, as in the Bible-bearing type. And I don't want to know her opinion on same-sex relationship because I pretty much know the gist of it.

For now, she doesn't seem to be a threat. She actually comes across as a potential great addition to our life as a couple. I mean for the short time that I've known her and from what Jake has told me, she's a cool, funny, and happy girl. Which makes me want to be her friend. But I really don't know if Jake and I should tell her about the two us. I wonder how Life with Boyd and Jake will be like with Kat around....

But first, do we really, really need to be very honest with her?

Fight or Flight

Last Saturday started out fun and cool. We both woke up late at around 12nn and I called him up asking what his plans were for the day. He told me that he was just going to the dermatologist to get a facial. So I told him that I would just go to the gym and we'd meet up afterwards. He was telling me that he wanted to take me to the carnival. Sounds like a lot of fun.

After gym, I was about to text him when suddenly my phone's keyboard would not respond. I turned it off and tried turning it on again but since the powerswitch is on the keyboard itself, it wouldn't turn on. I was stressed out with the situation because I couldn't contact Jake. So I went down and looked for a payphone and tried calling him up but he wouldn't answer. So I went to the mall where he had his facial.

When I got there, I tried calling him again and finally he picked up and told me that he was still at the dermatologist's. While waiting for him, I passed by the Globe Business Center to have my phone checked since they issued the phone to me. They gave me a number and I went back to Jake's derma.

Finally he was done but I had to wait for quite a while. And then we passed by the service center to have my phone repaired. Globe issued me a warranty certificate so that I wouldn't have to pay for the repair. Unfortunately I have to leave my phone with them because apparently it was a chipboard error or something.

I was kinda pissed about all this and was wanting to take my mind off it so I asked him what his plan was. And he just kept on telling me that he doesn't know, in a pa-cute way, and he kept on calling me Mr. Sungit. (And he usually calls me that). And then he asked why I was being Mr. Sungit, and I answered back in a louder than usual voice that I'm annoyed because he keeps on bugging me and he's not helping out.

You know the relief that you feel when you finally get to let go of something off your chest and the the immediate feeling of guilt afterwards? That's how I felt. He walked a bit faster than I did and stopped talking to me on our way out of the mall. Geez, I'm in big trouble.

He didn't even let me drive him to his place because he was planning to change. He took a taxi and told me to meet him at his apartment. So I did.

Obviously the carnival idea was not great so we went to Greenbelt instead to have dinner and watch a movie. He was not talking to me at all in the car and when we were in the mall, I thought that we have to resolve this or talk about this or else we will both ruin the night. I took him to the alley on the side of Topshop (Mix) and talked to him and asked him why he was mad at me. And he didn't say anything. And I asked him if he was mad because I shouted. And he said I guess. And I explained why I shouted. And I said that I was sorry. And he told me to just give him time. And that was that.

He was not his usual self for the rest of the night, though. He didn't even have dinner. He told me that he wasn't hungry. And then he wasn't laughing at the film we were watching but he said that he found it funny. But at least he was leaning his head on my shoulder and he was holding my hand and that means that we were really OK.

We also took a walk to the newly opened Greenbelt 5. Really pretty I should say. And then we went home.

I decided to spend the night at his place and the morning after was one of the best wake up moments I've had with him because the old him was back and it's really over.

We went to SOMS, one of our favorite restaurants, to have a kiss-and-make-up lunch and went grocery shopping at Power Plant. I took him home and then went home myself. I haven't been home for 24 hours!

Fighting is really scary but I think it's normal and healthy. I wouldn't want to keep this issue inside me and then lash out at him in the future. But I'm not say I want to go through anything like this petty fight anytime soon, nor ever again!

Comparing Relationships

Late night two Thursdays, I was chatting with my friend KK on YM about his new guy. I haven't seen this guy yet so I asked him to send pictures. Instead, he invited me to view his webcam. So I did. And wow, his guy looked really hot on cam. I was actually a bit envious. And then he also showed me a his boy's cousin on cam, who turns out to be gay too. He was also cute! And then my friend invited me out to Malate and I said I couldn't because I have plans with Jake and we don't really go to Malate.

I passed by Jake's apartment after my shift but he was already sleeping and he didn't seem to keen on going out anymore. I felt somewhat annoyed but I understood him. So I decided to just go out with KK and his guy and his guy's cousin.

Halfway to Malate, I felt like turning back. What am I going there for? I was afraid that I'm going there because I wanna meet his guy's cousin. And I was also feeling like I wanted to see his guy so that I can compare.

***

Last night, my friend Casey called for a meetup. She's breaking up with her boyfriend of 3 years - for the fourth time. For the first three breakups, I'm the staunchest supporter of her breaking up with him. Now, it's the case of the boy who cried wolf; or rather, the girl who cried breakup.

One of the many reasons why she's breaking up with him is because she doesn't feel like their relationship is happy. And her boyfriend's reaction to that was that she only feels that way because she's comparing their relationship with other couples.

***

I've also read in a Cosmopolitan Philippines magazine article that it's not healthy to compare your relationship with those of other couples. But I disagree. I think it gives you a level of self-awareness when it comes to your relationship with the one you love. Also, it also shows you what you want. Now, if what you want is the guy in the other relationship, then that's a problem. But if it's just a matter of being sweeter to each other or being for fun as a couple, then I think it's healthy.

***

And so I arrived in Malate and finally met the new "it" couple. And it turns out that we're still as "it" as they are. Haha. His guy is cute, but he photographs better, unlike KK who is not photogenic but looks really good in person. But his cousin is a relevation. He also looks better in person. But not civilized enough to earn my admiration or my infatuation. I think my last three sentences rhymed!

I decided not to linger any longer because I'm not really enjoying the rowdy crowd. And I felt like I didn't want to be here anyway if Jake wasn't around. It's not as fun.